The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin – Funny Quotes
Books: It’s called reading! It’s how humans install new software into their brains!
You are about as useful as a white crayon. – Funny Insults
Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow.
POOR: When you have too much month left at the end of the money!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.
If you think things can’t get any worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquito’s find me attractive.
I love rumors – I always find out amazing thing about myself, I never knew.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. – Chuck Palahniuk – Funny Quotes
I’ve reached that age where my brain went from, ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘what the hell, let’s see what happens’. – Funny Quotes
Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
Dear Karma: I have a list of people you have missed.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields
Would you like a table? – – No, not at all. I came here of the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
My life feels like a test I did not study for.
I’ve reached that age where my brain went from “you probably shouldn’t say that” to “what the hell, let’s see what happens. – Funny Quotes
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. – Thomas Szasz – Funny Quotes
Google turned 18 a few days ago. We should be ashamed, We’ve been asking very inappropriate questions to someone underage all these years.
Looks are only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
Insanity: Doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
Have you ever listened to someone for a whale and wondered – ‘Who ties your shoelaces for you?’
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. – Douglas Adams
You know what they say – The grass is always greener near the septic tank!
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. – Benjamin Franklin
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
I’m actually not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell. – Funny Insults
My friends treat me like God. They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
Sarcasm is an art – If it was a science, I’d have my PhD.
Never tell your problems to anyone – 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad it’s you who have them.
Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein – Funny Quotes
I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.
No, I’m Not Sleeping I’m Just Resting My Eyelids
I was hoping for a battle of the wits – but you seem unarmed.
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
Please cancel my subscription, because I don’t need your issues.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
My level of sarcasm has got to the point where I don’t even know if I’m joking or not.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. – Funny Insults
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
I’m not always rude and sarcastic – Sometimes I’m asleep.
How are you today? Just kidding, I don’t care.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Life is good, you should get one.
If something goes wrong at the office, always blame the guy who can’t speak English.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
It takes patience to listen and skill to pretend you’re listening.
There is a fine line between fashion and circus. So where’s the tent?
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
The movie was awesome. – My favorite part was when it ended!
We have a love and hate relationship – He loves me, I hate him.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. – Funny Insults
No, you don’t have to repeat yourself – I was ignoring you the first time.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump into your IQ.
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
Sarcasm: The secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
You sound better with your mouth closed.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I don’t believe in plastic surgery, but in your case, I would make an exception.
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
I feel like we’re apart when we’re in the same room! But If you keep talking, you’ll ruin the illusion.
Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side – I say – Depends on where you live.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
My brain said crunches, but my stomach auto-corrected it to ‘cupcakes’
Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really
Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world. – I don’t know dear, you’ll have to go ask Grandma. – Mother Quotes
Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
One day I intend to be a little old person in a nursing home, that leads the rebellion and puts Vodka in all the Iv bags.
I can only please one person a day – Today is not your day and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. – N.J. Nielsen Saddington – Funny Quotes
I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
DEJA POO: The feeling that you’ve heard that crap before.
I’m sorry, while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
This is my cup of care – Oh! Would you look at that – it’s empty!
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
My loyalty cannot be bought, however, it can be rented.
Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Should I bring ladder so you can step out of my business?
Are you really stupid or you are just pretending?
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointing!
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.
Sarcasm: The ability to insult an idiot, without them realizing it!
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic reply.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains, is great news for you.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
Tell me – Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.
Jealously is a disease – Get well soon!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I call your stupid. – I really thought you already knew!
Here, let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to all of your needs.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Nice shoes, how long did the doctor say you had to were them?
I don’t know what you’re problem is – But I’m pretty sure it would be hard to pronounce.
Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award.
How much do you charge to haunt a house?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I am busy right now, can I ignore you at some other time?
Someone said that you didn’t have half a brain, but I defended you, I insisted that you did!
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Violence won’t solve anything – But it sure makes me feel better.
I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
Silence is golden – and – duct tape is silver.
You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look even better when I close mine!
Police pulls over a speeding car. COP – I’ve been waiting for you all day. DRIVER – Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.
Thank you for leaving my side when I needed you – I realized I can do so much without you.
I’ll be a millionaire once I’m done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet!
In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
Look at you, your in perfect shape – – – for a circle.
Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
You’d be in good shape – if you ran as much as your mouth.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Before talking please connect the tongue to the brain.
Sarcasm: The lowest form of wit and the highest form of intelligence.
Oh – I didn’t tell you? – Then It must have been none of your business.
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown – Funny Quotes
Sure I’ll help you out! – the same way you came in.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?