Sarcastic Quotes
- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin – Funny Quotes
- Books: It’s called reading! It’s how humans install new software into their brains!
- You are about as useful as a white crayon. – Funny Insults
- Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow.
- POOR: When you have too much month left at the end of the money!
- Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.
- If you think things can’t get any worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
- I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquito’s find me attractive.
- I love rumors – I always find out amazing thing about myself, I never knew.
- All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. – Chuck Palahniuk – Funny Quotes
- I’ve reached that age where my brain went from, ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘what the hell, let’s see what happens’. – Funny Quotes
- Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
- Dear Karma: I have a list of people you have missed.
- Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski
- I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields
- Would you like a table? – – No, not at all. I came here of the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
- My life feels like a test I did not study for.
- I’ve reached that age where my brain went from “you probably shouldn’t say that” to “what the hell, let’s see what happens. – Funny Quotes
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. – Thomas Szasz – Funny Quotes
- Google turned 18 a few days ago. We should be ashamed, We’ve been asking very inappropriate questions to someone underage all these years.
- Looks are only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
- Insanity: Doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
- Have you ever listened to someone for a whale and wondered – ‘Who ties your shoelaces for you?’
- Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz
- The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. – Douglas Adams
- You know what they say – The grass is always greener near the septic tank!
- Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. – Benjamin Franklin
- Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
- Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
- I’m actually not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
- I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell. – Funny Insults
- My friends treat me like God. They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
- Sarcasm is an art – If it was a science, I’d have my PhD.
- Never tell your problems to anyone – 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad it’s you who have them.
- Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein – Funny Quotes
- I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.
- No, I’m Not Sleeping I’m Just Resting My Eyelids
- I was hoping for a battle of the wits – but you seem unarmed.
- I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
- Please cancel my subscription, because I don’t need your issues.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
- My level of sarcasm has got to the point where I don’t even know if I’m joking or not.
- I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. – Funny Insults
- A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams
- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
- If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
- I’m not always rude and sarcastic – Sometimes I’m asleep.
- How are you today? Just kidding, I don’t care.
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- Life is good, you should get one.
- If something goes wrong at the office, always blame the guy who can’t speak English.
- If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
- If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
- There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
- Those who laugh last think slowest.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- It takes patience to listen and skill to pretend you’re listening.
- There is a fine line between fashion and circus. So where’s the tent?
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
- You never learn anything by doing it right.
- The movie was awesome. – My favorite part was when it ended!
- We have a love and hate relationship – He loves me, I hate him.
- I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. – Funny Insults
- No, you don’t have to repeat yourself – I was ignoring you the first time.
- If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump into your IQ.
- If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
- Sarcasm: The secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
- You sound better with your mouth closed.
- The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- I don’t believe in plastic surgery, but in your case, I would make an exception.
- I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- I feel like we’re apart when we’re in the same room! But If you keep talking, you’ll ruin the illusion.
- Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side – I say – Depends on where you live.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
- My brain said crunches, but my stomach auto-corrected it to ‘cupcakes’
- Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
- Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
- Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really
- Zombies eat peoples brains. It’s okay, you’re safe.
- Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world. – I don’t know dear, you’ll have to go ask Grandma. – Mother Quotes
- Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
- One day I intend to be a little old person in a nursing home, that leads the rebellion and puts Vodka in all the Iv bags.
- I can only please one person a day – Today is not your day and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. – N.J. Nielsen Saddington – Funny Quotes
- I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it.
- I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- DEJA POO: The feeling that you’ve heard that crap before.
- I’m sorry, while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
- This is my cup of care – Oh! Would you look at that – it’s empty!
- Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
- My loyalty cannot be bought, however, it can be rented.
- Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
- Should I bring ladder so you can step out of my business?
- Are you really stupid or you are just pretending?
- I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
- Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointing!
- A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
- Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
- I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.
- Sarcasm: The ability to insult an idiot, without them realizing it!
- When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic reply.
- The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains, is great news for you.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
- Tell me – Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
- You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
- Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.
- Jealously is a disease – Get well soon!
- I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I call your stupid. – I really thought you already knew!
- Here, let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to all of your needs.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
- Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
- If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
- If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- Nice shoes, how long did the doctor say you had to were them?
- I don’t know what you’re problem is – But I’m pretty sure it would be hard to pronounce.
- Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award.
- How much do you charge to haunt a house?
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- I am busy right now, can I ignore you at some other time?
- Someone said that you didn’t have half a brain, but I defended you, I insisted that you did!
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
- Violence won’t solve anything – But it sure makes me feel better.
- I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
- Silence is golden – and – duct tape is silver.
- You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look even better when I close mine!
- Police pulls over a speeding car. COP – I’ve been waiting for you all day. DRIVER – Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.
- Thank you for leaving my side when I needed you – I realized I can do so much without you.
- I’ll be a millionaire once I’m done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet!
- In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
- Look at you, your in perfect shape – – – for a circle.
- Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
- You’d be in good shape – if you ran as much as your mouth.
- Without geometry, life is pointless.
- Before talking please connect the tongue to the brain.
- Sarcasm: The lowest form of wit and the highest form of intelligence.
- Oh – I didn’t tell you? – Then It must have been none of your business.
- I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown – Funny Quotes
- Sure I’ll help you out! – the same way you came in.
- Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?